I'm done worrying over friendships and trying to be the one who keeps them afloat. I'm going to do the best thing in the world for me, and probably them...let them go. I've hung on so tight that there are probably fingerprints of mine in their DNA. No, really - I don't think I'm exaggerating.
I think my problem comes from not knowing how to differentiate between different types of friendships much less recognizing when it's time to change, grow up, move on, let go, morph or whatever you want to term it. Just like the relationship you have with your parents, your spouse and your children - change happens. It's pretty easy to tell someone else all this, but it's darn difficult to allow it to happen in your own personal life. Especially when it involves people who have been in your life for a significant amount of time. Remember - significance, like beauty - is in the eye of the beholder and held to relevance.
A person can be in your life for a very very short time and be a make such an impact that you feel they have been there forever and you can't imagine living without them or life before them. Then there are those who have been in your life forever and you really don't remember life before them. You've grown together through the years and in the beginning your lives ran a parallel and you had much in common. Spoke all the time and knew all there was to know. Then as the years move forward and your lives take on that adult structure of wake up, take care of the kids, go to work/school, come home, take care of the kids, go to bed and so on. With that cycle comes the box. This box encloses you in your own world and you become blinded to whats going on over the rim. There are Christmas cards, and even those trickle and start to disappear.
My Christmas present is to try and accept the changes in my relationships. If having Pulmonary Hypertension has taught me one thing, it's to take each day to it's full advantage and not to sweat the small stuff. Every one's life changes - all the time. It's God's purpose for us to change and grow so that His plan can be fulfilled in our lives. Take off the blinders to the stumbling blocks that prevents the happiness that God wants you to have.
Is having an incurable disease a stumbling block? Yup. I certainly can't change it and will have to wait for God's purpose in it. I can let go of the things that worry me and cause me discomfort or ill feelings. If it means letting go of old or new things, then so be it. I value laughter and the ability to smile at everything. Holding onto things that make the brain hurt, the heart break and the tears roll - gotta let 'em go. Now I'm going to go and convince myself with some Red Dwarf and laff away the frustration :)
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